


I'm the One Who Had to Build a Heart Made of Armor

by ironmn



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Are Good Bros, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Minor Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, Minor Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:20:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironmn/pseuds/ironmn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meeting in therapy is hardly a meet cute. Tony and James make it work. Ft. a Natasha who wants her friends to stop being stupid, a Clint who, for the first time in his life, is one of the well-adjusted ones, a Bruce who is terrified of Pepper Potts, a Sam who is too pure for this world, and a Steve who really just wants to get his hand down Sam's pants without Bucky walking in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm the One Who Had to Build a Heart Made of Armor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ficlicious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficlicious/gifts).



This was Tony's own damn fault, he knew it. If he hadn't wandered into some run down bar in the middle of Hell's Kitchen when he was twenty-two years old, manic after an inventing spree, he wouldn't be here, sitting in an oddly comfortable chair, waiting for the rest of the group to wander in for "mandated" weekly therapy. 

As it was, he had wandered into Josie's and met one Clint Barton, former special ops, current pain in Tony's ass. He'd been friends with Clint for over a decade and hadn't regretted it until this moment. He hadn't regretted it when Clint moved into the tower three years after they met or even three years ago when he met Natasha Romanoff at his local VA and dragged her home with him. 

Clint and Tasha weren't people that Tony had ever seen coming, but he didn't know what he'd do without them. After the incident had occurred, there were there for him through everything- the issues with water, nightmares, and frequent panic attacks. 

However, while Tony would have been completely content to ignore these occurrences by locking himself in his workshop for hours or drowning himself in a bottle of whisky, Nat was not. Despite Tony's best efforts, no one ever won an argument with Natasha and that's how he found himself dragged along with her to group therapy. 

Despite both Nat and Clint telling him that he was being ridiculous, Tony knew better. He didn't deserve to be here along with victims of conflict. He'd done this to himself. Tony was the one who was more concerned with drinking and partying and having sex on a regular basis to notice what was happening with his company. He wouldn't ever forget that, especially with the blue light shining from his chest as a constant reminder. 

Yinsen had told him not to waste his life and he was trying, he really was. He'd shut down weapons productions, directing the money to more worthy departments such as clean energy and prosthetics and had started to weed out the employees that had been conspiring with Obadiah, not that it had meant much. Tony wasn't naive enough to believe what he had been trying to do would ever make up for the things he had done. After all, he was a murderer and it was silly to pretend that he was anything but the merchant of death. 

Tony was most certainly not supposed to be here, in a group of people who had been innocent and he had never felt more ashamed than when he listened to them talk. It was a small group, with only five members and their leader Sam. Tony picked at a thread on his jeans as the other members started to trickle in. First off, came Thor, a hulking blonde man who was retired special ops. The son of a famous general, he and his brother had run a team of some of the best soldiers in the army until his brother betrayed their position. Thor survived, but some of his friends did not and he had never gotten over the pain of being exposed by his own brother. Next came Nat herself, sinking into the chair next to Tony accompanied by the smell of Chanel no. 5. Nat was a former KGB spy, who'd been taken as a little girl and brainwashed for years before she defected. Finally, came the dynamic duo of Steve Rogers and James Barnes, best friends and veterans themselves. They had both served in the same unit, Rogers as Captain and Barnes as his second in command, until their whole unit was pinned down. Barnes had lost his arm and Rogers was in a coma for months. Compared to that, how could Tony even try to pretend that what he went through was anything close to what they had suffered? 

Jerking out of his thoughts to Sam's gentle "Good work guys, I'll see you all next week," Tony started to gather his things, only stopped by Nat's hand on his arm. 

"Why don't you come with us Tony?" she asked, referencing the rest of the group's post-meeting visit to the diner across the street. 

Shrugging off her hand with a paparazzi perfect smile, Tony said "Why Natasha, are you suggesting I leave poor Dr. Banner all alone in R&D, trying to fend off the evil board members and the infinitely more terrifying Pepper Potts?" 

Natasha just gave him a look which he expected. If there ever was universe in which Natasha Romanoff wasn't able to see completely through bullshit, it sure as hell wasn't this one and Tony wasn't quite sure why he even bothered to try anymore. 

Despite her eyes promising certain death if he tried to evade her again, Nat let him go with a dry warning of "Do try not to blow anything up this time, it makes Pepper's life infinitely more difficult," and a wry smile. 

Hurrying into the Research and Development department of Stark Industries, more commonly referred to as "the place where cool shit happens" or "everyone there is completely crazy, avoid at all costs" depending on who you were speaking to, Tony was greeted by intern extraordinaire Peter Parker gesticulating wildly with a wrench in one hand and a mystery test tube in the other as he spit out words at an impressive speed to Dr. Helen Cho, who looked, as always, like she deeply regretted accepting a position at SI. 

Tony dodged the waving arms of Peter and headed straight to the secluded office in the corner. Throwing open the door and flinging himself into a chair, he mumbled "Nat's planning my execution as we speak." 

Quirking one eyebrow, Bruce Banner drawls, "What did you do in the three hours since we've spoken to incite her rage?" "I may have refused to go out with her and the others after the meeting... again," said Tony, steadfastly looking anywhere but at Bruce. 

Bruce sighed quietly and slowly placed his glasses on the table. "Tony, you deserve to be there just as much as any of them. It's helping you, I can see that it is. But you have to understand, if you can't forgive yourself, none of this is going to help you." 

"What do I need group for when I have you Brucie baby? My own personal therapist, conveniently located in one of my favorite places." "Tony, for the last time, I'm not the kind of doctor. Besides, we both are well aware that you would miss seeing that soldier Nat tells me you like so much," Bruce replied with a smirk. 

Tony mouthed wordlessly for a few minutes before spitting out "What? That, that's ridiculous. I don't like him, lies and slander, lies and slander Bruce!" as he went to slip out the door to head to his workshop. 

"It's not a crime Tony. You're a good person and you deserve to be happy. What's the shame in finding someone who makes you happy?" Bruce replied quietly, his eyes shining sadly, as Tony headed out the door. 

Tony wished that he could say Bruce and Natasha were wrong, that there was no basis to their suspicions, but that would have been a lie. 

He knew exactly who they were talking about: one James "Bucky" Barnes. There was no denying it, James was the type of deadly that had always attracted Tony, wrapped up in a gorgeous body with a smile that, the few times he'd seen it, had made what was left of Tony's heart ache with longing. 

A few years ago, Tony would have tried his damn hardest to coax James into bed, had a couple rounds of completely mind-blowing sex, and had Pepper show him to the door in the morning. 

The incident had changed his views though. Being held captive and tortured in a cave for three months had led to less of a desire for mind-blowing sex and a need for mind-blowing sex, only with someone Tony loved and trusted and was completely committed to. 

Tony was already halfway in love with James, but he knew it would be pointless to try. James was a war hero and Tony? Tony was a former war profiteer who was too self-obsessed to realize when his partner had started double dealing weapons. For all Tony knew, it could have been his weapons that led to the loss of James' arm.  
***

A week later, Tony was stumbling through the door of group with a coffee in hand, blinking back tears of exhaustion as he collapsed into a chair. He had gotten about five hours of sleep over the past three days, as his nightmares, which had lessened in frequency, came flooding back with a vengeance.

And, to add to the fucking cherry on top of the pile of shit that was happening, when Tony stepped into the shower this morning, he found himself thrust into a flashback of being held underwater, trying desperately not to think about how close the wires of the fucking car battery in his chest were to the water and what would happen if even a drop of water came into contact with the wires leading out his chest. He only came out of when Clint burst into the bathroom, having been alerted by Jarvis, turned of the water, and sat his ass down in a puddle of water, only to start monologuing about pizza toppings until Tony was fully aware again.

As Tony took a quivering breath, Steve dropped down into the seat next to him.

"Hey, you doing okay?” he asked with a gentle, concerned smile. Most everything that Steve did was gentle or concerned unless it was talking about baseball. Tony often wondered how fair it really was that Steve and Sam, two of the kindest people he knew, ended up together. 

"Tony?" Steve prompted again as Tony jerked back into the present.

"Haven't been sleeping that great lately, s'all," Tony forced out.

Steve got up with a gentle pat on Tony's shoulder, wandering over to drop a kiss on Sam's cheek and settle in to the chair next to James.

When Sam got around to Tony, he answered his concerned queries with the same brush-off that he'd given Steve, looking up just in time to catch James staring at him, brow furrowed, with a worried expression in his eyes.

That simple act of naked concern clearly present on James' face made Tony have to clench his nails into his palms in order not to burst into tears.

As Tony left the building, he glanced down at his phone to see a reminder from Pepper to meet her for lunch the following day in order to discuss the R&D department and its advances. In the midst of replying, he was distracted by a call of "Mr. Stark! Over here." Cursing himself for actually looking over, he threw on a glittering fake smile as he looked at the reporter from hell, one Christine Everhart.

"Christine, to what do I owe this pleasure?" he said, inwardly preparing himself for Christine's own brand of blunt hatred.

"Mr. Stark, you claim that the double dealing of Stark Industries weaponry was the responsibility of your former partner Obadiah Stane. And while I'm sure that we are all very impressed with your seemingly dedicated approach to turn away from weapons production, I must ask you one thing. Do you honestly think it matters? Can you sincerely tell me that your actions now will ever make up for the thousands of deaths that occurred at your hand, knowingly or unknowingly?" Christine said as she thrust the microphone in Tony's face.

Tony stared at her in shock for a few moments, trying to force down the panic that he could feel bubbling in his chest. Managing to mumble a "no comment", he stumbled into the nearest alley, as his vision started to gray along the edges. 

Collapsing against a wall, he started to hyperventilate, losing himself to the ringing of his ears and the memories of dead soldiers and hands in his bloody chest.

Tony wasn't sure how much time had passed when he found himself drifting back to the present to the sound of a rich, deep voice with a Brooklyn accent.

"... here I am, getting off work, ready to head home and collapse on the couch and watch stupid reality tv for the rest of the day. So I walk into the apartment and what am I greeted with? Sam and Steve on the couch, making out like their lives depend on it, Steve's got his hand stuck down Sam's pants. It was one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen, but I gotta tell ya, seeing Steve blush like that made it all worth it."

"Everything makes Steve blush," Tony whispered quietly, brushing at the tear tracks on his cheeks.

"Oh, there you are," James said gently with a sweet smile on his face, "you doing okay?"

Tony shrugged in response, focusing on taking deep breaths in order to dispel the remnants of the flashback. 

"Thanks for sitting with me, you didn't have to do that," Tony mumbled into his arms.

"Course I did! You were upset, I wasn't just gonna leave you there," James said, looking offended at the very idea of leaving Tony alone.

"Everybody's at the diner," James said, pointing over his shoulder, "if you want to come with me, I'd really enjoy that," with a hopeful look plastered on his pretty face.

Taking hold of the hand James offered him, Tony allowed himself to be dragged to the diner. 

Dropping down into the both, Tony greeted Nat's gentle touch on his wrist with a tremulous smile, trying not to act surprised when James kept hold of his hand, rubbing soothing circles into his palm every time he started to zone out again. 

Hanging out with everyone turned out to be much better than Tony had ever imagined that it would be, as he found laughing quietly at Thor and Natasha's good natured argument about Norwegian food versus Russian food and which was better. Stan, the owner, an elderly man with glasses, greeted Tony was a mischievous smile and a plate of perfectly fluffy pancakes. He even managed a conversation with Steve about his upcoming gallery show, one that Tony was aware that Pepper excitedly planned on attending.

A few hours later found Tony trading numbers with James and leaving for the first time in a very long time with a genuine smile on his face.

***  
Coming out an engineering blackout was never really enjoyable. Coming out of one and being faced with one Pepper Potts smirking as she looked at his phone, perched delicately on a countertop, red pumps discarded below her? That was terrifying.

"So, Tony, when were you going to tell me you had a boyfriend?" Pepper said, eyes sparkling with happiness, fingers flying over her own phone as she undoubtedly started to text Rhodey. 

"Well, Pep, considering I don't a boyfriend, most likely never," Tony responded, refusing to look her in the eye.

"Tony, you cannot honestly expect me to believe that. You talk to him more than anyone else," Pepper sighed out exasperatedly.

"I, I don't talk to him that much Pepper, that's ridiculous, what are you talking about, nope, not at all," Tony stammered out.

Pepper's eyes softened as she ran a hand gently down his shoulder. "It isn't a bad thing Tony. He makes you happy and I want you to be happy more than anything."

"Sometimes, I think you're punishing yourself by not letting yourself be happy," Pepper whispered, chewing gently on her bottom lip.

Tony closed his eyes and forced himself to keep breathing regularly as Pepper slipped her pumps back on and walked out the door.

***  
Shooting straight up in bed at three in the morning, tears streaming down his face, as the sound of J.A.R.V.I.S. calmly reciting the date and location was a completely common occurrence to Tony.  


However, this nightmare was infinitely more terrifying. The young soldier's face who often haunted his nightmares had been replaced with James, James laying on the ground, bleeding out from the place his arm used to be, Stark weaponry lying just beside him.

Mind still clouded with the remnants of the vision of James bleeding out, Tony fumbled for his phone, immediately pressing James' number.

Pressing the phone to his ear, Tony muttered "please pick up, please pick up."

At the sound of James' sleep slurred voice murmuring "Tony, whassit", Tony promptly lost all composure and burst into sobs.

Tony managed to sob out a hoarse "It was you, you were lying there and you were dying and it was my weapons and my fault and I know it was just a dream, but what if it wasn't? What if it really was my weapons that hurt, what if it really was my fault? I can't lose you, anyone but you, I can't do it. You're the best thing I have and I can't lose you."

"Oh, Tony. I'm fine sweetheart, I'm just fine. This wasn't your fault, darling, you didn't know. It wasn't your fault. Tony, doll, we're okay," James soothed over the phone line.

After Tony had managed to calm down, James was suspiciously silent.

"Tony," James started hesitantly, "can we meet up tomorrow? There's somethin' I need to tell you."

Agreeing slightly confusedly, Tony hung up and tried to drift back to sleep.

***  


Sinking onto the bench next to James with an air of anxiety, Tony shot him a nervous smile.

James said nothing and continued to stare at Tony.

After a few uncomfortable moments of silence, Tony wet his lips and mumbled a "James, is everything okay? You're kind of scaring... "

Interrupting him, James blurted out a "I'm in love with you."

Tony's mouth worked furiously, yet no words would come out. His heart felt like it was about to burst and his eyes were starting to burn with a warning of tears.

James grasped his hand and started babbling "I know that it's crazy because we aren't even dating and we haven't known each other for long, but Tony, I feel like you know me better than anyone on this planet. You look at me and you don't see an ex-soldier who came home with a shitton more issues and one less arm. I've felt this way for ages, but been too scared to tell you, but Tony... You said you couldn't lose me, that I was the best thing in your life. And the whole time all I could think was, "Does he really not see? Can he really not see how much I adore him?". Tony, don't you understand? You're the best thing in my life and I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. And I know you could do so much better than me, but please Tony, please sweetheart. Tell me I'm not insane, that I'm not the only one who feels this way."

Choking on a laugh, Tony whispered "Oh, James, don't you know? I've been in love with you practically since the first time I saw you."

The smile that took over James' face could have rivaled the sun in that moment and for the first time, Tony completely understood why Clint was so dumbstruck anytime Natasha laughed. Sliding his hand up past Tony's jaw, James' captured Tony's lips in his own and if they hadn't already been seated, Tony was sure he would have crumpled from the sheer emotion of it. Laughing wetly into James' mouth, Tony clasped the prosthetic fingers within his own. At that very moment, the rising sun's rays hit them, lighting James' face in angelic light. Tony thought it was fitting and deepened the kiss.

***  


Tony used to slink into group therapy, trying desperately to keep his facade up and attempting to not stare at the beautiful man sitting in the corner. Nowadays, he usually walked in hand in hand with Bucky and ended the meetings with the weekly diner dates, which often included good-natured arguments with Thor over Star Wars, Clint and Natasha playing footsie under the table, Sam's laughter and Steve's blushes, and , most importantly, Bucky brushing gentle kisses over his lips when no one was looking. Tony isn't naive. Trauma can't be erased by people loving you, it doesn't work that way. However, they sure as hell can make it better. Tony went into therapy at the insistence of the friends he loved and came out with a family he could depend on and a boyfriend he adored.

**Author's Note:**

> Ficlicious, as a rabid reader of yours, I hope you enjoy this! It was an absolute pleasure to write it!  
> (extra credit to anyone who spotted the Stan Lee reference).


End file.
